I hate being depressed.
I mean, I think it's fair to say that no one likes being depressed, and when I say "I hate it" I'm reiterating something many, many other people feel, but. I'm saying it anyway. I don't even know if it's gonna help at all, I just wanted to say it.
I have had it repeating intermittently in my head all day.
I didn't even really figure it out, my mum said I was depressed when I was talking to her on the phone, and it was a bit like a light bulb went off. She was right, I am. What I'm bumping into right now is the fact that I've only started getting a frame of reference for the "oh, this means I'm depressed" in the last six moths or so.
I (somehow) managed to go for 30 odd years without getting depressed, or at least depressed in a way I actually figured out what it was. Then about three months or so ago I was depressed big time, in a way I found veeeery hard to miss. The dissociative state (that's the only description that sounds vaguely clinical I got, I was going with 'fuzzy' the other day) was most of a day, but I managed to find something to pull up with in the afternoon. The next day it was hard not to drift again, but I managed. Again, somehow.
This time I haven't dissociated. At least not yet. It's just... Sad. Like, I'm not feeling sad, it's kind of like a state of being. There's no feeling of "what's the point?" like the first time, just (just, HA.)an all encompassing sense of "not happy" and a constant physical drag. It's so damn hard to move. I'm not usually this pessimistic either, so that's fun.
I've been reading stuff about depression for literal decades, and I know people who have to deal with it regularly, so I'm probably lucky that I've seen so many lists on "things that help". They are, in fact, surprisingly helpful. I'm managing to get at least a few things done every day, haven't stopped planning for what next (which right now is super damn important. Also a contributing factor for the depression) And the getting outside in the brief (so fecking brief) window of daylight during the day. I does help.
What's bothering me most right now is this sort of, under the skin itch that won't go away. A creeping sense of irritability. Everything is grating on it. The music in the cafe is distracting instead of a quiet background noise. the content of the music is turning into something that'll make me sneer instead of just going in one ear and out the other. Quiet is equally disturbing. Too quiet, not enough background, making me twitch. I can't fecking win. Not dissociative though, given the almost hair trigger weepyness I've been feeling for two days. I guess that's good.
Oh, right. And also? My word skills, writing, everything, is out the damn window. At this time I'm honestly not sure if this post will scan well, 'cause it's mostly been a stream of consciousness purge of thoughts and feeling. But all my writing is doing that right now, which means any sort of plot, planning, or wondering is an absolute mess. And the tension settling in everywhere doesn't help either.
God, I hate being depressed.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ big hugs.
ReplyDeleteHi Willow - that is my grandson's email - it's Karen from the church and I really enjoyed these two pieces of writing - clear and interesting. My email is ktyipee@yahoo.ca, but if I continue to comment it will be under this one.
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